Hi all.. who's reading this...
After a long chain of events... and a long period of MIA-ing and an even longer period of pondering, I've decided to leave PMS. Congratulations to PMS in clinching Ironlady champion 2010. Wishing them all the best in their future in the dota community...
Actually, this blog post would have stopped at the first paragraph, and I was struggling if I should continue with my reasons for leaving.. in case it sparks any form of unhappiness (or happiness) and unnecessary comments, but I think it's good to voice out some thoughts... U might not agree with me (u don't have to) and it would probably be rather disorganised and longwinded because my train of thoughts is rather incoherent atm.. Here it goes:
I have always aspired to be a pro gamer. I wasn't very talented in gaming, but my passion kept me going, the thirst to improve and to win makes life as a female gamer alot easier. After so many years in SG dota community, I clearly know that being a female gamer is NOT easy... thanks to most sexist male gamers who doesnt give female player much chance in the team. But worst than that, is that within our 20 or so competitive female gamers in sg, we have given guys' teams too many excuses to look down on us. The bitching, the whining, team politics, the personal agendas, the change of rooster, the famous blog wars, the cat fights over 'I just don't like u', the backstabbing, the battle on who's the better female gamer, the 'my boyfriend is your ex boyfriend' matter, the 'I'm the prettier or sexier or more popular' girl, the tension between the 2 girls' teams etcetc.... really sucks.
And I am not innocent of the above either.. there's bound to be conflicts, unavoidable. So what do I want in a team... at least there must be a common ideal to improve in skills and teamwork and oc ultimately to win. And it's really important to feel comfortable in the team because it will create a bond and trust that makes gameplay alot easier. Many will think that I'm dreaming, how can a girls' team pose any threat to strong guys' team? There's a time when I do doubt myself, in fact, I would pretty much agree that it takes almost a miracle to pose any threat to stronger guys' team, let alone win them. And I also agree that there is a very clear standard difference now.
But I will not change my ideal nor minimise it. I will work towards that direction, no matter how stupid or naive. And what does all these have to do with me leaving PMS? I think it's quite clear that my direction cannot suit PMS asterisks and vice-versa. It's all about different wavelengths. I'm glad that they're happy together doing their things but I regret to say that I do not know how to have a share in that happiness. We all have different expectations and goals so I'm not passing any judgement here.
Good luck to all competitive female gamers, and wishing that one day, we'll be recognised and respected for our skills instead of us just being 'female' =.=
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On a side note, I will be playing for my aiai if she needs me, cuz I <3 her :D
HEHEHE
